My Journey into a Magical Love and through Utter Desolation, into Non-Attachment

My Journey into a Magical Love and through Utter Desolation, into Non-Attachment

In 2019, life gave me the chance to experience a new kind of love; something I hadn’t anticipated in the least, being someone that had already had more than one very deep “soul-based” connections in my life (not just romantic). What impressed me the most about it was the love I personally felt for this person. I can’t explain it other than that it was incredibly beautiful… it IS incredibly beautiful. It’s so massive, dare I say unconditional…

It was what I call a kind of “soul resonance” with another person that I had never experienced before in my life. It is simply not possible to put into words and have it properly capture the feeling. I have tried several times. You simply have to experience it.

The deepest parts of us resonated with the other in such a way that it was almost as if I literally heard music when would communicate. And this was a two-way street; he felt it too, and would say things like “I swear we have the same soul.”

I also found that we were what I called “entangled” in a way where it felt like my energy was inexplicably and inherently connected to his. Like anything I do or feel will be immediately responded to by his energy in a way that was first, subconscious. I could immediately predict and pick up on things he was feeling and doing in a way that I hadn’t experienced with another.

For me, always having a very well-attuned spiritual part of me, I felt all of this strongly to say the least. It felt like something that I was always looking for but didn’t consciously know actually existed (how would I, without having experienced it or having heard of anything like it?).

As a result…. in came in an incredible level of attachment. This experience, this connection, gave me and my life so much meaning, that the idea of living without it was unfathomable.

Yet in his case, he was not as spiritually attuned. A lot of the specific things he felt with the connection were foreign to him, whereas for me, some were foreign but some were not. And at the very least, my mind was already more open due to having consciousness-breakthrough experiences multiple times throughout my life.

It was clear after some time that we were not on the same page in terms of our personal development, and that this would get in the way of us being able to see eye-to-eye on certain things, but primarily for trust to exist, as he had been betrayed to a high degree in previous relationships. Not to mention, I was already in a relationship myself.

He decided to cut off contact, because not being able to be together while having these sort of feelings was too much to bear.  It was difficult for me to accept, but I understood. However, immediately after cutting off contact, I got the sense that he wasn’t just cutting off contact, it felt like he was stomping on the connection. As though he wanted to throw it away, pretend it never existed; “get love out of his system.”

Here was the most beautiful love I had ever experienced, a love that took me to new levels…showed me that someone with the same soul blueprint (for lack of a better way to say it) existed here — with me, and felt it too. Like we were wrapped in a cocoon of our own world and finally felt complete. And then months later, it is like he is doing everything he can do to pretend it never existed.

This gave me a pain that five years later, I still don’t think I’m fully over. Something that brought me a new level of meaning and completion to my life, the next minute left me out in the cold, writhing in pain, utterly suffering.

And after years of suffering, it produced an anger in me that at times is difficult to quell. Especially because I had reached out to him so many times afterwards (which I was very ashamed of) due to my pain, yet not once in 5 years could he respond anything at all, which built up a bit of resentment in me. That he could not step out of whatever was in his own mind for a moment to at least answer me once. To at least reassure me he still cared.

On the other hand, I did realize that I was potentially expecting too much by expecting any response at all in this situation.

The most important point I want to mention in this is… that learning to detach from this connection in a way that still honors it has been one of the most painful journeys I’ve been on, yet it’s done something positively to my character that I do not yet know how to articulate.

It is like within the utter, sheer pain and weight I carried on my shoulders for years and still to some extent carry, I have learned to stand stronger on my own two feet, to do more inner work to understand the true nature of my attachment and my longing, to allow the pain of loss grind away slowly at my ego a little bit as time has gone by.

The experience affected me in such a major way that I’m almost not the same person after that. It is as though I have gained twenty years of wisdom within a few years.

It is as though the universe gave me the one thing in the world I would desire most, one of the most pure loves I had ever experienced, something I didn’t know could exist and that had some of the most mysterious properties, then snatched it away from me in what felt like an instant. For a long time, this could felt like nothing but an utterly cruel joke.

Yet through this, day by day, I am still learning the virtue of nonattachment and the reality of impermanence, in a major way. There is not one day that has gone by in 5 years that I am reminded of what I felt that I had lacked, and the weight I was bearing with me.

It is only in the last few months that I have realized what I have gained through this process of pain, and it may be so much more significant than what I would have gained otherwise, because the love itself has never been lost.

“The King” — A Journey of Wisdom

“The King” — A Journey of Wisdom

"The King" by Martin Robson

“The King” by Martin Robson

I often envision a king figure that is a wise masculine and has mastered balance in all areas. A being that is intimately acquainted with the depths of darkness and suffering, only to rise above it with only more strength and perspective. He is a visionary, and being near him you sense that within him is the collective perspective of so many stories and lives, almost as though he’s lived all of them at one point himself, and maybe he has. His awareness and understanding lives in all; whether it be the homeless man on the street that has lost hope of seeing his family again, the criminal that was made by an abusive upbringing, the brainwashed religious extremist that knows evil as good, the rich person who has never known what it meant to struggle, the musician who plays music on the street and lives a frugal, humble life filled with doing what they love most. He sees all as part of life’s collective beating heart, despite the absolute darkness that can and does exist. No story or possibility of our lives on this planet is left out of his vision, and you can see it in his eyes. His perspective has become much more massive than his own individuality.

He has emotional mastery — expressing his emotions fully and without self-judgment, and then letting them go without attachment. He has incredible physical strength and is capable of what we could consider negative emotions such as anger, but only uses it for the highest good.

He is a true individual in the purest sense, courageous and perceptive enough to have followed his own intuition while not getting dragged down by common values, yet his identity is not at all limited to a shallow, self-serving, hedonistic sense of self.

He has achieved balance and full integration of light and dark, relentless strength and tender gentleness, lightheartedness and seriousness. His purpose is now to be a role model for beings to simply show them what is possible for those willing to listen; those daring to uncover and follow what’s deep within themselves — a journey that never ends, a world within a world.

Thanks to the artist for this beautiful piece and for inspiring these thoughts in me!
Visit artist’s profile at:

Things My Dad Taught Me Before He Died

Things My Dad Taught Me Before He Died

As some of you reading this may or may not know, my dad passed away this year (2017) at the end of March. He was 70 years old.

The main cause of his death was alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver (probably heart failure, too); as he had been a heavy drinker for over forty years. The last few years before his death, he began to experience symptoms that he wouldn’t tell anyone about — including me — in much detail, but it was enough to scare him, as it caused him to stop drinking for the most part. However, he turned to chain smoking instead and essentially smoked his way out.

He was a criminal defense lawyer and represented some well-known cases in Utah. But much more than that, he was unlike anyone I have ever met to this day. I’ll never forget Zach Abend’s article written in 2007 about my dad, stating:

“He is articulate and has a habit of closing his eyes when he concentrates. He is very astute and has enough charisma for a roomful of politicians, possessing a Clintonian charm. However, if you don’t know [him] well, you will be taken aback by his brusqueness. He eschews formal hellos or goodbyes. He will talk for hours at great length, and as soon as the conversation ends, he will walk away.”

I have always appreciated how Zach was able to describe my dad, because it was difficult to find someone who really could understand him, let alone someone who could capture his spirit with words.

My dad was a true rebel in every sense of the word…

…and not just for the sake of being rebellious. He didn’t become a criminal defense lawyer because he thought it would be interesting — he pursued that path because it embodied his entire way of being.

In an attempt to dissect and illustrate his worldview, I can best express it by saying that the core of it seems to have come from his great sensitivity to injustice in the world and in general; personal experiences with the government during the time of the Vietnam war and thereafter during his career; as well as his viewpoint that most companies, institutions, and humans operate primarily by greed.

This is where he and I really differed. While I certainly understood and agreed with his viewpoint to an extent (especially as an adult), we usually approached things from different directions.

Despite all the ignorance and horrible things that happen on a daily basis on Earth, I tend to focus on humankind’s potential as a whole. I feel that there is a higher part of us all, and I feel people can become better, more “enlightened” so-to-speak. I start from a positive viewpoint first, and am disappointed (although not surprised) when people are incredibly self-serving or commit acts out of hate, and so on.

My dad usually started from a negative viewpoint first; quite pessimistic and expecting to be disappointed, yet regardless was still a very compassionate person. He’d say a lot of things, but I felt he never truly judged. He could accept someone regardless of all of their faults, or faults that he perceived them to have.

This worldview of his was part of a very important and solid foundation. 

Even though I felt he was too pessimistic much of the time, he had a keen ability to see through people’s bullshit. He understood the psychology of people fairly well, and saw that so many people’s minds were completely shaped by groups they were a part of or society as a whole, which were full of systems that he felt were flawed.

So many people sell themselves out firstly because they don’t know themselves, and/or they themselves are motivated primarily by money and will essentially sell themselves for it in different ways.

Or most people just lacked guts, as he’d always tell me. It was rare to find a person that had the courage to stand alone against a group with their own opinion and stance, when no one is rooting for them; which is what he so often had to do as a criminal defense attorney in the courtroom.

On the other end, he sympathized greatly with the many people who were misunderstood by society, himself being one of those people. Because he was completely NOT the status quo in any shape or form, had differing opinions and way of life than most around him, and was incredibly blunt and at times profane.

Sometimes as a result, conversations were uncomfortable with him because he’d either immediately recognize and call you out on your BS, or just generally bring up things that people didn’t want to talk about. Or other times he was just making assumptions about you, which he’d do to me all the time.

But he was honest — honest to the core, to himself and to others. And he had a heart. Sometimes all people could see was the gruff exterior and didn’t understand what he was about, because they couldn’t really see it.

And I’ve found, that that’s often how the truth is. It doesn’t flaunt itself and it appears in the least expected of places. It’s up to you to be able to recognize it.

Wisdom from My Dad

Now that you know some of the backstory, some of the following should be more entertaining and interesting.

Instead of putting a timeline on these, I’m going to list them regardless of their time period and put them all in his words, for those that I can. Just know that some of these were given to me just weeks before he died; as he wanted to make sure that he got everything out that he wanted to tell me before he passed. Most all of these were emails from him to me, so I literally just copied and pasted.

  1. “These online arguments are much like political debates—no one knows the rules, there are no judges, even the subject matter is vague and usually too broad—the worst thing are words—people just don’t have the discipline to use words carefully and so it is usually a discourse or speech using symbolic themes, metaphors and myth and worst of all, using half-baked notions of popular morality that are meant to appeal to as many as possible—when all else fails they combine jingoism with morality—‘american values’  or ‘this country stands for ______’ just verbal vomit really”
  2. “‘the fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows he is a fool’ anatole france —he wrote perhaps the best political satire ever written Penguin Island….do a google and read some of his quotes”
  3. Before traveling to Indonesia, my dad said: “bon voyage and keep your eyes open—see, rather than just look”
  4. “one of the things i needed to tell you before i die is that you can’t trust people who smile a lot or who are very nice to you”
  5. “lookit, everything, i mean it, almost everything, seems to have turned into a scam in the last 15 or 20 years—it may have been a scam before that i just didn’t know or it has turned because there are too many peeps or something—it is a good thing for the world that peeps get old, lose their memory, and then die—think of it if we didn’t —thousands of old guys running around reminding new peeps that everything is a cheat—h.l. mencken said you can never over-estimate the american people for falling for a scam—it is almost like it is a ritual, invented by Marx and Lenin to keep money in circulation and not permit proles to get their hands on too much for very long”
  6. “tires are very complicated–very—don’t go to a goodyear or big-o because they exist just to rip you peeps off—sears or believe it or not wal-mart are safest bet—buy continentals or even goodyears —buy 40,000 mile summer tires and get them balanced—you can buy cheaper from tire rack or the like but you must pay for shipping and mounting and balancing so it’s usually better to buy locally—metzler and toyo are good but no pirellies—mostly they are performance tires”
  7. “ALL car places will rip you off—all—firestone and goodyear shops are the worst—i have seen women and young men treated very badly—with tires, no one, even the guy that sells them understand the codes and ratings—always go to jiffy lube for oil change —buy batteries at wal-mart or sears….more serious stuff and you need to find a shop that has been around a long time and the mechanics are my age”
  8. “you are leaning important things about the cops and government—it is not what you have done–it is what you look like you’ve done—you must remember that”
  9. “my theory with you from the beginning was to fulfill at least my minimum duty of introducing you to the world as it is and not the way you want it to be “
  10. “sometimes all you got is guts but sometimes guts is enough”
  11. “truth is often a hidden and inconvenient commodity—once a roller, always a roller—peeps don’t hang with rollers unless their heart is black, and once black, it cannot be turned white”
  12. “I learned not to simply tell someone the truth because they would not believe it and then get pissed that they didn’t think of it first. So, it’s best just to ask questions and see if people are curious enough to try and answer them. People telling religious or political ideas may become violent if confronted”

“The Devil is in the Details”

And last but not least (for today…there’s much more I could dig up), in the few weeks before he died he kept harping on the phrase “the devil is in the details.”

He would try to give me real life examples, like the one time I opened a drink for him and put it on his bedside table, then he’d take a drink and I’d put the cap back on for him. He’d say, “now I’m not going to be able to get it back off! See, the devil is in the details…you have to pay attention to the details.” I was thinking to myself, “well I didn’t want it to spill if you knocked things over! (which he often did with his mobility troubles towards the end).”

Later he had a small piece of paper he wrote something on he wanted me to get at the store for him. On the other side, I noticed that at another point in time he had written “devil in details” to remember to tell me about it (below), which I decided to save forever:

devil in the details


Although my dad was so commonly misunderstood, most people could recognize one very obvious and important thing about him, and that’s that he was one in a million. I hope to keep some of his humor and wisdom alive through my blog posts.


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