by Liz B | Jan 24, 2024 | Consciousness, Love, Spirituality, Thoughts and Reflection, Wisdom
In 2019, life gave me the chance to experience a new kind of love; something I hadn’t anticipated in the least, being someone that had already had more than one very deep “soul-based” connections in my life (not just romantic). What impressed me the most about it was the love I personally felt for this person. I can’t explain it other than that it was incredibly beautiful… it IS incredibly beautiful. It’s so massive, dare I say unconditional…
It was what I call a kind of “soul resonance” with another person that I had never experienced before in my life. It is simply not possible to put into words and have it properly capture the feeling. I have tried several times. You simply have to experience it.
The deepest parts of us resonated with the other in such a way that it was almost as if I literally heard music when would communicate. And this was a two-way street; he felt it too, and would say things like “I swear we have the same soul.”
I also found that we were what I called “entangled” in a way where it felt like my energy was inexplicably and inherently connected to his. Like anything I do or feel will be immediately responded to by his energy in a way that was first, subconscious. I could immediately predict and pick up on things he was feeling and doing in a way that I hadn’t experienced with another.
For me, always having a very well-attuned spiritual part of me, I felt all of this strongly to say the least. It felt like something that I was always looking for but didn’t consciously know actually existed (how would I, without having experienced it or having heard of anything like it?).
As a result…. in came in an incredible level of attachment. This experience, this connection, gave me and my life so much meaning, that the idea of living without it was unfathomable.
Yet in his case, he was not as spiritually attuned. A lot of the specific things he felt with the connection were foreign to him, whereas for me, some were foreign but some were not. And at the very least, my mind was already more open due to having consciousness-breakthrough experiences multiple times throughout my life.
It was clear after some time that we were not on the same page in terms of our personal development, and that this would get in the way of us being able to see eye-to-eye on certain things, but primarily for trust to exist, as he had been betrayed to a high degree in previous relationships. Not to mention, I was already in a relationship myself.
He decided to cut off contact, because not being able to be together while having these sort of feelings was too much to bear. It was difficult for me to accept, but I understood. However, immediately after cutting off contact, I got the sense that he wasn’t just cutting off contact, it felt like he was stomping on the connection. As though he wanted to throw it away, pretend it never existed; “get love out of his system.”
Here was the most beautiful love I had ever experienced, a love that took me to new levels…showed me that someone with the same soul blueprint (for lack of a better way to say it) existed here — with me, and felt it too. Like we were wrapped in a cocoon of our own world and finally felt complete. And then months later, it is like he is doing everything he can do to pretend it never existed.
This gave me a pain that five years later, I still don’t think I’m fully over. Something that brought me a new level of meaning and completion to my life, the next minute left me out in the cold, writhing in pain, utterly suffering.
And after years of suffering, it produced an anger in me that at times is difficult to quell. Especially because I had reached out to him so many times afterwards (which I was very ashamed of) due to my pain, yet not once in 5 years could he respond anything at all, which built up a bit of resentment in me. That he could not step out of whatever was in his own mind for a moment to at least answer me once. To at least reassure me he still cared.
On the other hand, I did realize that I was potentially expecting too much by expecting any response at all in this situation.
The most important point I want to mention in this is… that learning to detach from this connection in a way that still honors it has been one of the most painful journeys I’ve been on, yet it’s done something positively to my character that I do not yet know how to articulate.
It is like within the utter, sheer pain and weight I carried on my shoulders for years and still to some extent carry, I have learned to stand stronger on my own two feet, to do more inner work to understand the true nature of my attachment and my longing, to allow the pain of loss grind away slowly at my ego a little bit as time has gone by.
The experience affected me in such a major way that I’m almost not the same person after that. It is as though I have gained twenty years of wisdom within a few years.
It is as though the universe gave me the one thing in the world I would desire most, one of the most pure loves I had ever experienced, something I didn’t know could exist and that had some of the most mysterious properties, then snatched it away from me in what felt like an instant. For a long time, this could felt like nothing but an utterly cruel joke.
Yet through this, day by day, I am still learning the virtue of nonattachment and the reality of impermanence, in a major way. There is not one day that has gone by in 5 years that I am reminded of what I felt that I had lacked, and the weight I was bearing with me.
It is only in the last few months that I have realized what I have gained through this process of pain, and it may be so much more significant than what I would have gained otherwise, because the love itself has never been lost.
by Liz B | Jan 30, 2023 | Attachment, Love, Thoughts and Reflection, Writing
A few years back I met not the perfect person, but the perfect love.
When he left months later because it was the right thing to do at the time, I thought I wouldn’t struggle so much but I had no idea what I was in for. I’ve been heartbroken before, I’ve met what I considered soulmates before, but this was different. It felt like a part of my soul was ripped from me and I was left out here in what felt like an isolated desert, alone and incomplete.
It felt like life showed up and said “oh here’s a piece of your soul” then stripped it away suddenly, like some kind of sick joke.
But…through all that darkness I slowly became more stable, stronger, wiser, and more self-aware. However the most amazing thing is that what has remained is that love I felt, despite all of my mental noise and emotions throughout these years. Despite all my attachment to what I thought it needed to be. Despite my doubt.
Honestly, I’m more amazed by the nature of the love itself than I am with anything else. It’s pristine: like a diamond, only having gotten more refined under pressure. It’s always there in the background, radiating light even while my mind can bring on darkness and shield it momentarily from my view.
This is Love. Absolutely radiant, everlasting, unconditional, and it brings me joy all by itself! When expressed fully, it can heal one’s deep seated wounds in an instant, and absolutely nothing at all has been required to keep it replenished.
Because I was so used to the feeling of “love” being altered by my own perceptions from moment to moment, I was surprised when this didn’t behave the same way, especially after years.
If I hadn’t been so busy with my attachments, I could have just sat back and immersed myself in the beauty that is really is. But that is life, and we’re here to learn.
by Liz B | Oct 24, 2022 | Love, Thoughts and Reflection
I’ve noticed a pattern in that the more I gain life experiences, the more I understand and experience the nature of selflessness and real love, the more capability I have emotionally to simply give to others out of genuine care and not expecting anything back. Not only am I capable of it, it is essentially my default mode of operating. I no longer think about it; because operating from a small, conditional love or care is no longer part of my experience of reality. I’ve had too many experiences that expanded that. In doing this however, I have also increasingly noticed that there are people who are not capable of receiving that without interpreting it as some kind of expectation I am setting. It shows me how truly few people are accustomed to genuine care and depth, and are instead too accustomed to toxic dynamics, or at least dynamics lacking in awareness, that they can’t help but interpret my actions that way and fit me in that box.
I told my friend tonight that I feel as though on this Earth everything is a warped version of what it should be. You see something with so much potential and you focus on the good, but you realize that it can’t live up to its potential at least anytime soon due to strong barriers holding it back. And you see these barriers and you want to help lift them, it feels so easy to try to just simply lift them when you are seeing them so clearly, but then you realize that you are essentially powerless, that you only can do what you can do.
You might be able to point things in the right direction, you might be able to be an example of something different and hope that makes a difference, but you cannot do the work for another. The answer might be right behind them and you can point in that direction and only hope that they look. In the end you have to let go of control and let the situation or the person work themselves out in their own time.
As someone who is finally in a position where I have taken care of myself mentally and have garnered enough varied life experiences to potentially help others in some way, it is even more difficult for me to let go of control in this particular way, and can at times even be heartbreaking.
by Liz B | Sep 6, 2020 | Love, Self-Improvement, Spirituality, Twin Flames
The battle we fight is always within ourselves first, even if others are acting as a catalyst.
I’m so far from perfect, I have my flaws just like anyone else, but my relationships with people over time have served to tamper down my ego by showing me things about myself or triggering things in me I never would have seen otherwise.
I have so far had a few very major events in my life that really made me struggle. One being my anxiety disorder where I had to really get a grip on my mind to not suffer anymore (this took years of practice). Second being one of my “meditation experiences” where it felt like my ego and “soul” for lack of a better term were on a battlefield — the deeper part of me was trying to fly high while the ego was cowering in fear over what was happening. Perhaps close to ego death which can feel like you’re actually throwing yourself over the cliff mentally.
My latest battle came through in connecting with someone in a way I had never experienced despite having other very deep connections before, and it taking me to a level of vulnerability and love in a way that I had never seen.
Love on this level can trigger so much fear, and if you already have past wounds, forget about it. In this case, their past wounds caused pain and for us to have to stop contact altogether.
This made my ego go absolutely crazy. I could not accept that things would go this way for a connection so beautiful, deep, and meaningful that we both felt. As a result I felt as though I lost control of myself entirely.
I couldn’t stop messaging them, and I found myself overcompensating and showing more love and affection in times when they weren’t showing love, effectively throwing things out of balance. I would beat myself up daily over doing it but yet, I couldn’t stop.
As someone who felt like I usually had so much control over myself in this way in relationships and prided myself on being good at letting go — this was EXTREMELY unsettling.
I also found myself trying to teach them things I learned that I felt might help them see things clearly — something that seemed helpful at the time. But I learned this was really just another sign of my ego trying to control the situation.
It has taken me months of pain and reflection to realize what was going on with me internally. That it wasn’t really about them directly, it was how the situation’s dynamics were causing me to react, and I did not have a handle on it.
This showed me there was something for me to learn, and the lessons wouldn’t stop there.
Over a year later, and I still experience bouts of some of the most intense emotional pain over it that I have ever had.
In dealing with the pain, I previously thought I could just push it away like I do with my anxiety: distract myself and with time it’ll lose its power.
I made lots of new friends. I traveled. I did anything to put my attention elsewhere, but to my surprise, that pain was still consistently weighing very heavily on me beneath it all.
When I thought things were going okay for a while — like even a month or two — BAM it would hit me and take me over completely…making me wonder “what the hell is this?”.
It’s been this and the connection itself that showed me this wasn’t just any ordinary love journey I was used to, and it’s so hard to describe this unless you’ve experienced something similar.
And I realized that this pain was serving a purpose that I needed to address. In order to stop the pain, I couldn’t just ignore it anymore.
This is where more lessons begin. The pain nags at you until you learn to figure your shit out. It REALLY won’t let you NOT begin to dig deeper and understand yourself.
I had to start asking myself questions like…what daily thoughts am I holding that are reinforcing the pain? What ideas if any am I holding onto about this situation that is inherently causing it? Is it my attachment to wanting something to happen with one of the most beautiful connections of my life yet now not even being able to talk to them? That was certainly part of it.
And ever since this has been my journey of learning to strike what has felt like a very tricky balance between loving and letting go. How do I continue to love this person and honor the connection without being attached to the outcome — without my ego trying to control it in some way?
How do I learn to keep this level of love while not having the pain? It almost seemed like the two come hand in hand.
My goal has been in this journey to learn to love unconditionally and without fear, and I honestly can’t say I’m there yet, but at least I’m getting closer.
And looking in retrospect, this journey from the time I met them has been something intensely connected with self evolution.
It was never really about what they did to me or how they handled things. Things happened the way they happened for a reason.
I have simply had to learn to move forward and deal with my own stuff amidst some of the strongest things I’ve ever felt, and it was way harder than I would have ever anticipated it to be.
This is me getting used to being vulnerable more often rather than in a state of pride. Being able to not be afraid to sit with the pain, to love without blame, and without the shame weighing on me of how I handled things.
And in some ways, I recognize I’m a different person than I was a year ago because of it. Kind of the way any sort of pain will wear you down over time. I’m more resilient, more humble, less attached, and stronger within myself, and at the end of the day that’s the most important thing.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the
daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem
less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the
winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquility.”
—Kahlil Gibran, “On Pain”
by Liz B | May 28, 2018 | Fear, Mental Health
The more life experiences I gather as the years go by, the more I realize how many of us are underneath the surface, very dominated by fear in many ways.
For example, we might be dominated by fear of looking different, fear of being alone, fear of silence, fear of our lives ending early, fear of being hurt/rejection, fear of anything bad happening at any moment, etc…
One of the greatest challenges in our lives is to try to overcome these fears. Partly because a lot of the time it’s always there in the background, to the point where we might not even notice it anymore, until at some point it rears its ugly head.
Sometimes we don’t even understand that the basis of our fear is different than what we might think it is. Part of learning to dissolve our fears is learning how our minds work, and how our perceptions can work to build up this image of ourselves and the world that underlies the fear.
I too have a lot of fear in my life just because I have a predisposition to anxiety (with my “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” and all).
Here are some quotes on fear that I personally love and that might help you feel more inspired to face them, or just feel more at ease.
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
―
Marianne Williamson
“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
―
Alan W. Watts,
The Culture of Counter-Culture: Edited Transcripts
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
―
H. Jackson Brown Jr.,
P.S. I Love You
“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back….”
―
Erica Jong
“Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded.”
―
Gautama Buddha
“We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infinitesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation. We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.”
―
Alan W. Watts
“When you find out that there was never anything in the dark side to be afraid of … Nothing is left but to love.”
―
Alan W. Watts
“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.”
―
Seneca
“When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. We cannot love when we feel fear…. When we release the fearful past and forgive everyone, we will experience total love and oneness with all.”
―
Gerald G. Jampolsky
What are some of your biggest fears? Comment down below and let me know!
