In 2019, life gave me the chance to experience a new kind of love; something I hadn’t anticipated in the least, being someone that had already had more than one very deep “soul-based” connections in my life (not just romantic). What impressed me the most about it was the love I personally felt for this person. I can’t explain it other than that it was incredibly beautiful… it IS incredibly beautiful. It’s so massive, dare I say unconditional…
It was what I call a kind of “soul resonance” with another person that I had never experienced before in my life. It is simply not possible to put into words and have it properly capture the feeling. I have tried several times. You simply have to experience it.
The deepest parts of us resonated with the other in such a way that it was almost as if I literally heard music when would communicate. And this was a two-way street; he felt it too, and would say things like “I swear we have the same soul.”
I also found that we were what I called “entangled” in a way where it felt like my energy was inexplicably and inherently connected to his. Like anything I do or feel will be immediately responded to by his energy in a way that was first, subconscious. I could immediately predict and pick up on things he was feeling and doing in a way that I hadn’t experienced with another.
For me, always having a very well-attuned spiritual part of me, I felt all of this strongly to say the least. It felt like something that I was always looking for but didn’t consciously know actually existed (how would I, without having experienced it or having heard of anything like it?).
As a result…. in came in an incredible level of attachment. This experience, this connection, gave me and my life so much meaning, that the idea of living without it was unfathomable.
Yet in his case, he was not as spiritually attuned. A lot of the specific things he felt with the connection were foreign to him, whereas for me, some were foreign but some were not. And at the very least, my mind was already more open due to having consciousness-breakthrough experiences multiple times throughout my life.
It was clear after some time that we were not on the same page in terms of our personal development, and that this would get in the way of us being able to see eye-to-eye on certain things, but primarily for trust to exist, as he had been betrayed to a high degree in previous relationships. Not to mention, I was already in a relationship myself.
He decided to cut off contact, because not being able to be together while having these sort of feelings was too much to bear. It was difficult for me to accept, but I understood. However, immediately after cutting off contact, I got the sense that he wasn’t just cutting off contact, it felt like he was stomping on the connection. As though he wanted to throw it away, pretend it never existed; “get love out of his system.”
Here was the most beautiful love I had ever experienced, a love that took me to new levels…showed me that someone with the same soul blueprint (for lack of a better way to say it) existed here — with me, and felt it too. Like we were wrapped in a cocoon of our own world and finally felt complete. And then months later, it is like he is doing everything he can do to pretend it never existed.
This gave me a pain that five years later, I still don’t think I’m fully over. Something that brought me a new level of meaning and completion to my life, the next minute left me out in the cold, writhing in pain, utterly suffering.
And after years of suffering, it produced an anger in me that at times is difficult to quell. Especially because I had reached out to him so many times afterwards (which I was very ashamed of) due to my pain, yet not once in 5 years could he respond anything at all, which built up a bit of resentment in me. That he could not step out of whatever was in his own mind for a moment to at least answer me once. To at least reassure me he still cared.
On the other hand, I did realize that I was potentially expecting too much by expecting any response at all in this situation.
The most important point I want to mention in this is… that learning to detach from this connection in a way that still honors it has been one of the most painful journeys I’ve been on, yet it’s done something positively to my character that I do not yet know how to articulate.
It is like within the utter, sheer pain and weight I carried on my shoulders for years and still to some extent carry, I have learned to stand stronger on my own two feet, to do more inner work to understand the true nature of my attachment and my longing, to allow the pain of loss grind away slowly at my ego a little bit as time has gone by.
The experience affected me in such a major way that I’m almost not the same person after that. It is as though I have gained twenty years of wisdom within a few years.
It is as though the universe gave me the one thing in the world I would desire most, one of the most pure loves I had ever experienced, something I didn’t know could exist and that had some of the most mysterious properties, then snatched it away from me in what felt like an instant. For a long time, this could felt like nothing but an utterly cruel joke.
Yet through this, day by day, I am still learning the virtue of nonattachment and the reality of impermanence, in a major way. There is not one day that has gone by in 5 years that I am reminded of what I felt that I had lacked, and the weight I was bearing with me.
It is only in the last few months that I have realized what I have gained through this process of pain, and it may be so much more significant than what I would have gained otherwise, because the love itself has never been lost.
I stopped writing for a while… for many reasons really. One reason I’ll admit is when ChatGPT became readily available, I felt that my writing would lose value, or there was less to write about anymore that would have any impact. I felt deflated.
Now as some time has passed, I feel the opposite. Instead I feel that our personal voices matter more than ever, in a world that is increasingly becoming full of automation and scripts (programs, AI, etc). We need more real connection, and technology can help that but it can also hinder it, as most of us have seen ourselves.
In addition to that, I’ve realized the value of writing for myself. For taking the time to get more in touch with my own thoughts, to articulate them, and expand on them. It’s an activity that stimulates the prefrontal cortex part of our brains as well, and so helps keep you mentally sharp.
Lastly, I make many discoveries as I traverse through this journey we’re all on, and I’d like to document them to some degree to look back on later. And hopefully, my words can continue to help others as well.
I used to primarily post my thoughts on Instagram, but I began to grow tired of social media, and recognized that as something that was also subtly draining my energy at times.
2023 was a really hard year for me, and I’ve had to really pare things down as my energy was getting spread far too thin through multiple jobs and people in my life. I had to really be strict about putting boundaries around certain things. Even too many notifications on my phone would start to overwhelm me — in fact even seeing the notification badge of the number of unread messages on any given app I use started to contribute to my stress.
I had to learn to prioritize myself and my time in many ways; to listen to myself in silence again. I’ve found that without doing that, and losing myself in work or whatever else, my life energy actually weakens. Getting through the days becomes more difficult, and I am doing just the minimum to get by. Whereas really tuning everything external out and going within enhances my life energy and I’m able to actually be energized for other things in return.
Lately, I feel I’ve become more human than ever, in the sense that my ego is less in control. I’m more practical and focused on just living as well as I can while I’m here.
Going forward, I’d like this website to be more of a personal reflection of me and my life, more than just purely a display of information that I’m interested in and pursuing. Right now the layout of the site gives more of an informational feel than it does a personal feel, so I’ll be fine-tuning the layout and continuing on with more content that is personal to me that I also feel will be beneficial to others.
Here’s to another year around the sun…(hopefully) another year of more lessons, experiences, and memories.
Coaching has shown me to an extent just how many of us struggle with the same things.
For one thing, just realizing how many things have been programmed into us to make us less happy with ourselves. Less able to meet ourselves where we’re at, always focused more on what we think we should be.
We end up needing to spend so much time trying to unlearn the things that have affected us for so many years. But it’s so hard, because our emotions are tied up in those things. And to unlearn them, we now have to learn to deal with and process the emotions attached.
And while we’re dealing with all of this, it’s also so hard to trust others, yet we also NEED someone we can trust in for our mental health. It’s an anomaly to have a human that is truly totally fine constantly being alone. We simply weren’t built that way.
Yet, it can be very very difficult to find someone we can fully trust. We may trust people partly — in some specific ways and not in others.
The honest truth is — the reason many can’t fully be trusted is that they don’t even fully know or trust themselves. They may have good intentions, but no control or awareness of how they may handle certain situations. So you can’t risk it. Or, you may not be able to trust your words with them, because they may have a lot in the way of being able to consistently perceive those words with clarity, without preconceived notions or emotions & etc. distorting their perceptions.
So given this as well as conditioning, it’s easy to see why people walk around with walls up all the time. It becomes too risky to let those walls down and get hurt as a result, even if in minor ways.
But if our walls are up long enough, we become habituated to it and maybe even cut off from our own selves as well; not knowing what exactly we’re feeling when we’re feeling it or how to deal with those feelings. Thus the cycle of lack of self-awareness perpetuates.
That’s why on my end as a coach, striving to be as trustworthy of a person as I can is essential to holding a healing space for them & everyone else to be able to let go a little bit and fully express themselves without being judged.
It’s also good to keep in mind that everyone is a work in progress at all times, and that even if they’re not trustworthy in some way now doesn’t mean they won’t be later. It often takes life experience — life lessons — to become more trustworthy.
Keeping this in mind may also make it easier to frame things in such a way that even if people are responding poorly to us or handling things carelessly in some way, it may not be so personal to us, but rather they simply still have growth to do to see and handle things clearly and rationally.
However, I also know know it often doesn’t FEEL that simple to embrace this mindset, because regardless of the reason, it hurts to be in these situations. It can still hurt to be judged, misunderstood, or to feel fundamentally different especially from those we care about. Even if we know the people reacting these ways don’t really know who they themselves are, and maybe don’t even dare to be genuine themselves yet.
It’s okay to be hurt by these things and feel them out, no matter how “irrational” they might feel. In feeling these emotions out and fully understanding where they come from, we become less of their prisoner. This is a tough world we are asked to not only survive but thrive in, and we simply often aren’t given enough tools to do so.
A few years back I met not the perfect person, but the perfect love.
When he left months later because it was the right thing to do at the time, I thought I wouldn’t struggle so much but I had no idea what I was in for. I’ve been heartbroken before, I’ve met what I considered soulmates before, but this was different. It felt like a part of my soul was ripped from me and I was left out here in what felt like an isolated desert, alone and incomplete.
It felt like life showed up and said “oh here’s a piece of your soul” then stripped it away suddenly, like some kind of sick joke.
But…through all that darkness I slowly became more stable, stronger, wiser, and more self-aware. However the most amazing thing is that what has remained is that love I felt, despite all of my mental noise and emotions throughout these years. Despite all my attachment to what I thought it needed to be. Despite my doubt.
Honestly, I’m more amazed by the nature of the love itself than I am with anything else. It’s pristine: like a diamond, only having gotten more refined under pressure. It’s always there in the background, radiating light even while my mind can bring on darkness and shield it momentarily from my view.
This is Love. Absolutely radiant, everlasting, unconditional, and it brings me joy all by itself! When expressed fully, it can heal one’s deep seated wounds in an instant, and absolutely nothing at all has been required to keep it replenished.
Because I was so used to the feeling of “love” being altered by my own perceptions from moment to moment, I was surprised when this didn’t behave the same way, especially after years.
If I hadn’t been so busy with my attachments, I could have just sat back and immersed myself in the beauty that is really is. But that is life, and we’re here to learn.