My Journey into a Magical Love and through Utter Desolation, into Non-Attachment

My Journey into a Magical Love and through Utter Desolation, into Non-Attachment

In 2019, life gave me the chance to experience a new kind of love; something I hadn’t anticipated in the least, being someone that had already had more than one very deep “soul-based” connections in my life (not just romantic). What impressed me the most about it was the love I personally felt for this person. I can’t explain it other than that it was incredibly beautiful… it IS incredibly beautiful. It’s so massive, dare I say unconditional…

It was what I call a kind of “soul resonance” with another person that I had never experienced before in my life. It is simply not possible to put into words and have it properly capture the feeling. I have tried several times. You simply have to experience it.

The deepest parts of us resonated with the other in such a way that it was almost as if I literally heard music when would communicate. And this was a two-way street; he felt it too, and would say things like “I swear we have the same soul.”

I also found that we were what I called “entangled” in a way where it felt like my energy was inexplicably and inherently connected to his. Like anything I do or feel will be immediately responded to by his energy in a way that was first, subconscious. I could immediately predict and pick up on things he was feeling and doing in a way that I hadn’t experienced with another.

For me, always having a very well-attuned spiritual part of me, I felt all of this strongly to say the least. It felt like something that I was always looking for but didn’t consciously know actually existed (how would I, without having experienced it or having heard of anything like it?).

As a result…. in came in an incredible level of attachment. This experience, this connection, gave me and my life so much meaning, that the idea of living without it was unfathomable.

Yet in his case, he was not as spiritually attuned. A lot of the specific things he felt with the connection were foreign to him, whereas for me, some were foreign but some were not. And at the very least, my mind was already more open due to having consciousness-breakthrough experiences multiple times throughout my life.

It was clear after some time that we were not on the same page in terms of our personal development, and that this would get in the way of us being able to see eye-to-eye on certain things, but primarily for trust to exist, as he had been betrayed to a high degree in previous relationships. Not to mention, I was already in a relationship myself.

He decided to cut off contact, because not being able to be together while having these sort of feelings was too much to bear.  It was difficult for me to accept, but I understood. However, immediately after cutting off contact, I got the sense that he wasn’t just cutting off contact, it felt like he was stomping on the connection. As though he wanted to throw it away, pretend it never existed; “get love out of his system.”

Here was the most beautiful love I had ever experienced, a love that took me to new levels…showed me that someone with the same soul blueprint (for lack of a better way to say it) existed here — with me, and felt it too. Like we were wrapped in a cocoon of our own world and finally felt complete. And then months later, it is like he is doing everything he can do to pretend it never existed.

This gave me a pain that five years later, I still don’t think I’m fully over. Something that brought me a new level of meaning and completion to my life, the next minute left me out in the cold, writhing in pain, utterly suffering.

And after years of suffering, it produced an anger in me that at times is difficult to quell. Especially because I had reached out to him so many times afterwards (which I was very ashamed of) due to my pain, yet not once in 5 years could he respond anything at all, which built up a bit of resentment in me. That he could not step out of whatever was in his own mind for a moment to at least answer me once. To at least reassure me he still cared.

On the other hand, I did realize that I was potentially expecting too much by expecting any response at all in this situation.

The most important point I want to mention in this is… that learning to detach from this connection in a way that still honors it has been one of the most painful journeys I’ve been on, yet it’s done something positively to my character that I do not yet know how to articulate.

It is like within the utter, sheer pain and weight I carried on my shoulders for years and still to some extent carry, I have learned to stand stronger on my own two feet, to do more inner work to understand the true nature of my attachment and my longing, to allow the pain of loss grind away slowly at my ego a little bit as time has gone by.

The experience affected me in such a major way that I’m almost not the same person after that. It is as though I have gained twenty years of wisdom within a few years.

It is as though the universe gave me the one thing in the world I would desire most, one of the most pure loves I had ever experienced, something I didn’t know could exist and that had some of the most mysterious properties, then snatched it away from me in what felt like an instant. For a long time, this could felt like nothing but an utterly cruel joke.

Yet through this, day by day, I am still learning the virtue of nonattachment and the reality of impermanence, in a major way. There is not one day that has gone by in 5 years that I am reminded of what I felt that I had lacked, and the weight I was bearing with me.

It is only in the last few months that I have realized what I have gained through this process of pain, and it may be so much more significant than what I would have gained otherwise, because the love itself has never been lost.

The Process of Unlearning Our Conditioning

The Process of Unlearning Our Conditioning

Coaching has shown me to an extent just how many of us struggle with the same things.

For one thing, just realizing how many things have been programmed into us to make us less happy with ourselves. Less able to meet ourselves where we’re at, always focused more on what we think we should be.

We end up needing to spend so much time trying to unlearn the things that have affected us for so many years. But it’s so hard, because our emotions are tied up in those things. And to unlearn them, we now have to learn to deal with and process the emotions attached.

And while we’re dealing with all of this, it’s also so hard to trust others, yet we also NEED someone we can trust in for our mental health. It’s an anomaly to have a human that is truly totally fine constantly being alone. We simply weren’t built that way.

Yet, it can be very very difficult to find someone we can fully trust. We may trust people partly — in some specific ways and not in others.

The honest truth is — the reason many can’t fully be trusted is that they don’t even fully know or trust themselves. They may have good intentions, but no control or awareness of how they may handle certain situations. So you can’t risk it. Or, you may not be able to trust your words with them, because they may have a lot in the way of being able to consistently perceive those words with clarity, without preconceived notions or emotions & etc. distorting their perceptions.

So given this as well as conditioning, it’s easy to see why people walk around with walls up all the time. It becomes too risky to let those walls down and get hurt as a result, even if in minor ways.

But if our walls are up long enough, we become habituated to it and maybe even cut off from our own selves as well; not knowing what exactly we’re feeling when we’re feeling it or how to deal with those feelings. Thus the cycle of lack of self-awareness perpetuates.

That’s why on my end as a coach, striving to be as trustworthy of a person as I can is essential to holding a healing space for them & everyone else to be able to let go a little bit and fully express themselves without being judged.

It’s also good to keep in mind that everyone is a work in progress at all times, and that even if they’re not trustworthy in some way now doesn’t mean they won’t be later. It often takes life experience — life lessons — to become more trustworthy.

Keeping this in mind may also make it easier to frame things in such a way that even if people are responding poorly to us or handling things carelessly in some way, it may not be so personal to us, but rather they simply still have growth to do to see and handle things clearly and rationally.

However, I also know know it often doesn’t FEEL that simple to embrace this mindset, because regardless of the reason, it hurts to be in these situations. It can still hurt to be judged, misunderstood, or to feel fundamentally different especially from those we care about. Even if we know the people reacting these ways don’t really know who they themselves are, and maybe don’t even dare to be genuine themselves yet.

It’s okay to be hurt by these things and feel them out, no matter how “irrational” they might feel. In feeling these emotions out and fully understanding where they come from, we become less of their prisoner. This is a tough world we are asked to not only survive but thrive in, and we simply often aren’t given enough tools to do so.

We Are Not Our Thoughts: Identity and a Life of Exploring Consciousness

We Are Not Our Thoughts: Identity and a Life of Exploring Consciousness

It’s been 20 years now since I had my first earth shattering consciousness-expanding experience, and 17 years since my second one. The first one was positive, but the second one scared the crap out of me.

In my experience 17 years ago, my ego identity/sense of self began to become uprooted, and quickly. I was doing intensive amounts of meditation. While on some level I was ready (intellectually for sure) to loosen the attachment I had to what I thought my identity was — an attachment we all have — I was not ready for it at that speed and to that depth.

When you feel like your identity is being uprooted, you feel like what you know of as “you” is dying. This is a massive shift to undertake. And if this is not done at the proper time/circumstance, it can lead to massive confusion and even potentially psychosis.

At some point I started experiencing intense fear and like I was “going too far,” so I retreated. I figuratively “packed up” and quickly fit myself back into the current identity box that I identify with in my everyday, normal awareness. Because the level of anxiety I was dealing with by the time I stopped meditating, rendered me nonfunctional. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I thought for sure I was on the brink of insanity.

No amount of spiritual/consciousness development mattered anymore. All that mattered was that I returned to “sanity” and properly dealt with my anxiety.

Ever since then I’ve been living in and interacting with my “identity box” while knowing that I’m more than that. We are more than that. We are so much more massive than we can comprehend, until we have experienced it in some form, whether it be through drugs, meditation, near death experiences, or some spontaneous experience.

Just recently, I’ve felt little nudges around me reminding me in a sense that maybe it’s time to remember. To remember what it felt to be more massive. That I am not this body. I am not my thoughts. And to really remember the gift I received of something so important and not commonly understood. The gift of meeting my “higher self” at the young age of 18, when I didn’t even know what any of that meant. I know things now I never thought could be possible, and when I experienced them it simply felt like remembering something I had forgotten.

But I’ve not been directly living in that reality, all due to my body’s overactive fight or flight response. Our egos are designed to keep us grounded and engaged in this human reality. It’s a survival mechanism. But we are not just our egos.

I’m reminded just how much I’ve brushed aside all that I experienced, all for trying to “survive.” And it reminded me what incredible insight you gain when you can explore higher consciousness in a safe way.

While I don’t intend on rushing back into meditation in the way I did in the past, maybe little by little I can embrace my own true nature behind it all once again.

Allowing Others to Make Their Own Mistakes

Allowing Others to Make Their Own Mistakes

I’ve noticed a pattern in that the more I gain life experiences, the more I understand and experience the nature of selflessness and real love, the more capability I have emotionally to simply give to others out of genuine care and not expecting anything back. Not only am I capable of it, it is essentially my default mode of operating. I no longer think about it; because operating from a small, conditional love or care is no longer part of my experience of reality. I’ve had too many experiences that expanded that. In doing this however, I have also increasingly noticed that there are people who are not capable of receiving that without interpreting it as some kind of expectation I am setting. It shows me how truly few people are accustomed to genuine care and depth, and are instead too accustomed to toxic dynamics, or at least dynamics lacking in awareness, that they can’t help but interpret my actions that way and fit me in that box.

I told my friend tonight that I feel as though on this Earth everything is a warped version of what it should be. You see something with so much potential and you focus on the good, but you realize that it can’t live up to its potential at least anytime soon due to strong barriers holding it back. And you see these barriers and you want to help lift them, it feels so easy to try to just simply lift them when you are seeing them so clearly, but then you realize that you are essentially powerless, that you only can do what you can do.

You might be able to point things in the right direction, you might be able to be an example of something different and hope that makes a difference, but you cannot do the work for another. The answer might be right behind them and you can point in that direction and only hope that they look. In the end you have to let go of control and let the situation or the person work themselves out in their own time.

As someone who is finally in a position where I have taken care of myself mentally and have garnered enough varied life experiences to potentially help others in some way, it is even more difficult for me to let go of control in this particular way, and can at times even be heartbreaking.

Battlefield of the Ego: Destruction and Recreation

Battlefield of the Ego: Destruction and Recreation

Some of us are called to walk very unique and lonely paths in life that test us in every way possible. Sometimes these paths are rarely understood or talked about, and so often you must walk them alone.

These experiences can take you places you never imagined to be real. Something that makes you intuitively realize… this is not ordinary. This is not a typical part of this world we live in here. This is a touch of something higher.

But yet… they resonate with you. There’s something familiar about them. Like you’re just remembering something you long had forgotten.

And they will then often bring up the most intense triggers, attachments, fear, pain, you name it…it is a battlefield of the ego and the soul, and I’ve been on this field (consciously) for over half my life.

They shake the ground you walk on so radically that you cannot be the same person afterwards.

While it happens you are so fully captivated by it, only to be thrown back to the wolves afterwards. But now you have a new spark inside you, a seed has been planted…this marks the beginning of a new journey… to at least understand what the hell you just saw.

This journey can beat you repeatedly down to the ground while you’re flailing about like a fish until finally you realize you have no control over it and all you can do is surrender.

We sometimes face the deepest depths of hell and end up dying to ourselves, only so we can truly be reborn to a new reality and deeper understanding of our real selves.

This is the ultimate destruction of who you thought you were, required to make room for the new.

Learning to Live Your Truth: Believe in Yourself!

Learning to Live Your Truth: Believe in Yourself!

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother, wife, or hell even a partner. I realized I’d be happy, after all, just continuing to explore all my hobbies and live and die by my ideas and personal discoveries.

My first love in life told me I had an artist’s mind, we were maybe only about 15 or 16 when he said that. But I never forgot it. And he’s right. My imagination is actually extraordinarily entertaining and I never run out of ideas or things to do.

One thing I know for sure though is I’m pretty good at following my heart and I’ve been blessed to have a lot of unique experiences that people can easily look at me as crazy for, really shocked to find out that I did it all drug free lol but anyhow what I wanted to really say here is that if you have a different path in life than most, it really CAN be scary to follow it. It can be easier to just sweep that shit under the rug and ignore some of your deepest feelings. I’ve done it, and it surprised me that I did it. I’ve never been that type. I don’t suppress my emotions. I vent things, I address them, I’ve never run away from my emotions. Until…the fear or uncertainty associated with them was simply too much. I thought I could just ignore it til it resolved itself….until it didn’t. Sometimes it becomes easier to live a “practical” “normal” life. Everyone else around you seems to be doing it. And you have all those reinforcers around you all the time. People and their gatherings, their cozy families, their secure jobs. All seeking the same thing. But what if you have a different calling?

In all my past spiritual experiences, things people often never heard of were happening to me. I followed them because all I felt then was fascination. But once fear became involved or obstacles I didn’t have clarity on? Well that’s easy, I’ll just cover that up for now with my day-to-day goals and activities. But something kept nagging at me. Year after year after year. Nagging at me not to ignore it. Til I was like god, fine – what do you want? And realized something had to change. I had to try to conquer my fears and what other people were telling me was best.

I had common fears of ending up alone or wanting kids but then it being too late. Another fear was that I’d end up suffering alone in old age, lonely, in pain, with no resources to help me. I honestly have no idea where that fear came from (or any of these really), except maybe that that’s more or less what happened with my dad, and I saw his suffering, and naturally, it affected me greatly.

Of course, you want to live in a practical and smart way, but the cost of doing things out of fear or because “you’re supposed to” comes at the cost of living your truth and potentially paving a very unique path that will light the way for others. For me, this would be an extra big mistake because the intuition I have that calls me is so strong. I don’t know exactly what it means, but the callings always feel significant. And despite my fears, I can’t ignore them. You have to drop all expectations and be open and ready for anything. So — here’s to living your truth and facing your fears. Happy 2022!

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